Will She?

Image courtesy of Sanja Gjenero at sxc.hu

The bitter cold outside was nothing compared to her what was within her heart. The deep unrest and disquieted spirit was chilling. She’d had so many expectations for the month ahead of her. Hope for transformation, renewal, and reconnection. Yet each morning she awoke to only varying shades of grey and silence.

It seemed as though nothing could reach her. Not quiet time. Not a good book. Not the Word. Nothing. And that’s exactly what she felt, nothing. Desiring answers, she journaled, prayed and read, but still the answers eluded her.

Growing more agitated by the day, she found herself even struggling to pray. She’d only felt that way once in her life, many years ago. It scared her then and it scares her now. God is her lifeline…and prayer, her very breath. He’d always been there to listen to her. She could talk to Him about anything. But not now.

The first time she felt this way, she had changed jobs; ended a relationship; had a hysterectomy; and lost a dear friend in a tragic and untimely death, all within a few short months. It was all so overwhelming and in the midst of it, she somehow discovered she was angry with God, her very source of strength, hope and joy. The One who usually received her praise and thanksgiving became the One who quietly, stoically and willingly received her anger and hurt.

But this time was different. She had nothing to which she could attribute the disconnect, which made it all the more unsettling. Sure, she had typical everyday struggles. But then, who doesn’t?

She had much to be grateful for, yet she just couldn’t seem to muster up a sense of gratitude. She couldn’t fight off the feelings of frustration and disappointment. She knew the problem was not God, but her. She just wished He would clue her in on the issue at hand.

Rising on the seventh day of the New Year, she assumed her normal spot on the couch. It’s their spot. The one where she meets God every morning, almost without fail. She hoped that if she continued to bring her body, her heart would eventually follow. Would today be the day God broke the silence? Would today be the day He pierced her hardened heart?

Starting in her book where she left off the morning before, she read through each page eventually reaching the questions designed for reflection at the end. On this particular morning, rather than answering the questions in the book, she launched into her own set of questions directed at God. “What’s wrong with me? I feel hardened. Angry, even. Am I throwing a tempter tantrum because I am not getting what I want? Odd thing is, I don’t even know what it is I want anymore. What is it that I refuse to let go of? That I am insistent on holding onto?”

And that’s when the silence broke.

CONTROL.

She knew almost immediately it was Him. She continued to prod, asking more questions, but she heard nothing else. Nothing but that solitary word which spoke volumes. Nothing but the sound of her own thoughts.

It’s amazing the difference between His voice and her own. She knew His voice. He had spoken to her before. There is just something distinctly different when He speaks. It’s commanding, resonating, piercing. When He speaks there is a silent, deep knowing that it was undeniably Him.

He had most definitely spoken and she finally had an answer to the question which had been plaguing her for days. The lack of peace, the disquieted spirit, even the bitterness was all about her desire to be in control and He was asking her to let go.  He was asking her to stop trying to direct her life. He was asking her to trust Him, His timing, His plan. He was asking her to let go of her desire to be in control.

But, He won’t force her.

She has to give it willingly.

The question is, will she?

Have you ever struggled with surrendering something to God even though you knew His plan is far better than your own? How did you surrender it and what did you learn from it?